


i wanna know (what is love)

by cherryjaem



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 2020 fic challenge: january, Feelings Realization, I'm kidding, Light Angst, M/M, hinted one-sided hyunsung, is this seungjin endgame or hyunsung nobody knows, jisung best boy, of course it's seungjin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:54:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22490383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryjaem/pseuds/cherryjaem
Summary: "What does he mean I'm in love with Seungmin?""Are you...not?"
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 28
Kudos: 130





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fic challenge with my Platmates. The goal is to write at least 500 words but mine just spirals out of control and turns into a mini monster. Obviously, the second part is not done yet and i'm posting this first part because January is almost over and i wanted this to be posted in January and so. Umm. Yeah. Enjoy?

Hyunjin can't hear what Seungmin and Felix are talking about– not from this distance anyway, but he  _ can _ see them laughing, can see Felix leaning into Seungmin as he laughs loudly, and Hyunjin feels his eyes twitch at the sight.

"I don't get it," Hyunjin looks away, bitterly taking a bite on his asparagus and chewing it angrily. "What does he see in him?"

"Hmm? Who sees what in who, baby?" Jisung asks back without looking at Hyunjin, fingers busy tuning his guitar and plucking the strings, his half-eaten lunch left forgotten on the table.

"Felix," Hyunjin hisses. Somehow, saying the name gets Jisung's attention. "What does Seungmin see in him?"

Jisung blinks at Hyunjin, and then, supposedly, at Felix standing somewhere behind Hyunjin, before he flicks his eyes back at Hyunjin. He doesn't say anything, though, so Hyunjin adds: "Is it the Australian accent? His deep voice? His tiny hands??"

"Maybe the freckles," supplies Jisung. 

"Oh my  _ god.  _ It  _ is  _ the freckles, isn't it?" Hyunjin gasps and widens his eyes in realization, making Jisung bursts out laughing out loud. "Quick, what's the fastest way to get freckles?" Hyunjin asks, unlocking his phone to see his face through the front camera. "And do you think it would suit me?" Hyunjin presses his finger on the bridge of his nose and on his cheeks, trying to imagine having freckles on his face.

"Well, the fastest way is to draw artificial freckles with eyebrow pencil or eyeliner," Jisung says in amusement. "While I  _ do _ think it would suit you, I don't think you would need them," he shrugs and brings his attention back to his guitar.

"But maybe I do for him to like me more," Hyunjin huffs. His phone camera catches a glimpse of Seungmin and Felix behind him. He should have closed his camera right there, but instead he moves his phone to find a better angle to see what the younger guys are doing behind him. They're still talking and leaning into each other's personal space with a smile on their faces– oblivious that Hyunjin is watching them. Hyunjin feels a strange feeling stirring in his chest, feels his mood drops significantly so he exits the app and locks his phone before slamming it down onto the table.

"Relax," Jisung says. "Like I said, you don't need freckles for Seungmin to like you more. He already likes you the way you are, the way he likes Felix for the way he is. No need to be jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"

"Well, hate to say this again baby, but seems to me you're jealous of Felix and the amount of attention he gets from Seungmin." Okay, maybe Jisung is right. Maybe, Hyunjin  _ is _ jealous, but rightfully so! Seungmin is  _ his _ best friend and Hyunjin is supposed to be Seungmin's best friend. Hyunjin doesn't like the fact that there's someone else in between them, doesn't like the idea that Seungmin probably shares secrets and stuff and inside jokes with another person other than himself. "Now, you just sound possessive."

"What?" Hyunjin frowns and then widens his eyes in realization. "Did I say all of those out loud?" Jisung blinks and nods. "Fuck," Hyunjin pushes his tray of food away so he could cross his arms on the table and buries his face on them.

"There, there." Hyunjin feels Jisung petting his head and groans in disapproval at the action, although he needed and appreciated the gesture more than he cares to admit to his friend. "You  _ are  _ Seungmin's best friend. Literally everyone knows and can see that. That doesn't mean he can't have other people he considers his best friend, though. Like us, for example! Seungmin is your best friend, but so am I," Jisung makes a point. Hyunjin exhales heavily and lifts his head up to lean his chin on his arm, and realizes Jisung himself is already mirroring the same position in front of him.

"I guess you're right," Hyunjin admits in a small voice, lower lip jutting out in resignation and finger booping Jisung's nose. Jisung scrunches his nose and boops Hyunjin's nose back.

"Of course I am right," he says, laughing when Hyunjin rolls his eyes at him. "It's time for my next class though. You gonna be okay?" Jisung pulls away to put his acoustic guitar back into its case.

"What? Leaving already?" Hyunjin whines. "Who's gonna accompany me to sulk in self-pity?"

"Shut up," Jisung laughs and shakes his head. "God, you're so far gone."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Hyunjin huffs. "Whatever. Give me a hug before you leave."

"You're such a baby," Jisung teases but moves to stand and approach Hyunjin to give him a hug. Hyunjin stays on the bench, but turns around a little to hug Jisung around his waist and burying his face on Jisung's stomach. He can feel Jisung's body shaking with laughter, but he's hugging Hyunjin back at least. Hyunjin appreciates that Jisung lets Hyunjin has his way because he knows physical touches are one of the ways to comfort Hyunjin. "Okay, that's enough. I really have to go now."

"No," Hyunjin refuses verbally, but his arms around Jisung's waist loosen anyway.

"Hey, Hyunjin?"

"What?" Hyunjin looks up at Jisung.

"Just admit you're in love with Seungmin and go," Jisung grins and takes back steps away from Hyunjin, his guitar case in one hand and the other free hand waving goodbye at Hyunjin. "Maybe then you'll get him to spend more time with you."

"I'm–  _ what?!"  _ Hyunjin splutters. "I'm not–"

"Love you, baby! I'll call you later!" Jisung gives him a flying kiss before turning around and running towards where his next class is.

"Jisung-" Hyunjin stands up from the bench, only to flinch in surprise at the hand grabbing his shoulder from behind. "Seungmin!" Hyunjin clutches his hand on his chest, feeling his heart beating fast for a few different reasons. Shit. Did Seungmin hear what Jisung said to him? Is he in  _ love _ with his best friend? And fuck, why is Seungmin so beautiful? Fuck, fuck, fuck,  _ fuck. _ "You scared me," Hyunjin immediately looks away when he feels the heat rising up to his face, and pretends to pack his things.

"Sorry," Seungmin says as he pulls his hand away. "You alright? I saw you hugging Jisung. Is everything okay? Do you want another hug?" Seungmin offers, his voice soft and inviting. Does Hyunjin want another hug, from Seungmin? Now Hyunjin is not one to refuse hugs, especially from Seungmin, but he's feeling so flustered and self-conscious after what Jisung had said to him, and his heart is still beating fast in chest and there's no way he's going to explain  _ why _ to Seungmin so Hyunjin quickly answers: "No."

"Oh," Seungmin says. If Hyunjin is not busy putting his sling bag on, he'd see how Seungmin's shoulders are slumped down in disappointment and how his hands are clutching the straps of his backpack tightly as he looks towards where Jisung's ran off to.

"I mean, I'm okay," Hyunjin takes a deep breath in and out, and finally turns back around to face Seungmin. "Thanks for the offer, but everything's fine. Jisung was just…being his ridiculous self again."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You ready to go?"

"Yes," Seungmin affirms.

"Good. Let's go," Hyunjin makes a move but is suddenly stopped by Seungmin grabbing his elbow.

"Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin looks at the hand on his elbow and then moves his gaze up to meet with Seungmin's. He swallows thickly and says, "Yeah?"

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Seungmin asks, eyes exploring Hyunjin's. "Literally  _ anything  _ and I won't judge."

Hyunjin chews on his bottom lip and nods. "Of course," he says. "Thanks. Same goes to you."

Hyunjin thinks he sees a flash of something akin to sadness in Seungmin's eyes at his answer, but it's quickly replaced by a tight smile on his face.

"Good. Just making sure you remember that."

Hyunjin only offers a small smile back at Seungmin before making his way to his next class that he shares with Seungmin. Seungmin walks beside him in silence, the whole walk to their class is quiet and peaceful. If only it's as quiet and peaceful in Hyunjin's head, because all he can hear is Jisung's words repeating over and over and over again. 

_ Just admit you're in love with Seungmin. _

Him? In love with Seungmin? That's not possible.

Or, is it…?

~*~

"Minho hyung," Hyunjin announces his presence to the older guy, who's currently busy playing online game on his phone. Minho acknowledges with a simple grunt, but other than that, his attention is stuck on the screen of his phone and thumbs wildly moving around. Hyunjin takes a seat next to Minho and rests his chin on Minho's shoulder as he watches his friend play. "Jisung says I'm in love with Seungmin?" he says with a question mark, because Hyunjin still doesn't know why Jisung had said that, and where did he get the idea from.

"And?" Minho asks back.

"Why...did he say that?"

Minho glances sharply at Hyunjin before moving his attention back to his game. If Hyunjin had the energy to feel offended that Minho's game seems to be more important than Hyunjin and his inner turmoil, he would throw a fit, except that he's too tired from overthinking so he only manages a pout.

"Are you seriously asking me that question?"

"Yes."

"You  _ seriously _ don't know?"

"Seriously."

"You look at Seungmin like he birthed Got7," Minho says. "Like he invented mint choco."

"...That's a weird way to put it into words. But I  _ do not _ look at him like that. Wait, on second thought, maybe I do? I mean, I look at all of you guys like that because you're  _ all  _ precious people to me, right?" Hyunjin rambles. Minho screams in annoyance, loud enough to surprise Hyunjin and make him move away from the older guy. "Why are you shouting at me?" Hyunjin asks in a tiny voice, lips wobbling and tears gathering in his eyes.

"What–"

"Yah, Lee Minho!" a voice could be heard from a distance and they both turn to see it's Changbin running towards where they are. "Why are you shouting at Hyunjin?!" he says, immediately pulling Hyunjin into a hug as soon as he gets to him. "Look, now you make him cry!" he continues when Hyunjin sniffles into Changbin shoulder.

"First of all, I'm your hyung so don't you go yelling "yah" at me," Minho lectures. "Second of all, I wasn't shouting at Hyunjin," he says, voice softer. "Hyunjin, don't cry. I'm sorry. Someone killed me in the game and I was annoyed because we were so close to winning," he explains.

"Really?" Hyunjin sniffles again, lifting his head up from Changbin's shoulder to look at Minho.

"Really," Minho assures with a smile and puts his phone away to rub his hand on Hyunjin's back. Hyunjin moves from Changbin's hug into Minho's. "Now please stop crying before Jisung finds out and kills me for making his baby cry."

Changbin snorts. "The great almighty Minho is afraid of a squirrel?"

"As a matter of fact, I  _ do not.  _ However, I do find his naggings annoying and he  _ knows  _ this so he'd nag me to death. That guy speaks a mile a minute, Changbin. He doesn't even stop to breathe. Do you know how annoying that is?"

"Changbin hyung," Hyunjin calls before the older guy could say something back to Minho, immediately having Changbin's attention on him instead. "Jisung said I'm in love with Seungmin."

Silence follows the statement. Changbin stares at Hyunjin, rising his eyebrows up as if an indication he's waiting and encouraging Hyunjin to say more but when Hyunjin doesn't say anything more, Changbin frowns unsurely. "Okay, and…?" he asks, gaze shifting to Minho when Minho lets out a sigh.

"He doesn't know  _ why _ Jisung said that," Minho explains to Changbin.

"No way," Changbin chuckles in confused amusement. "He  _ doesn't know?"  _ he repeats to make sure, asking Minho as if Hyunjin's not there with them.

"No?" Hyunjin pulls away from Minho and straightens up. "What does he mean I'm  _ in love _ with Seungmin?"

"Are you...not?" Changbin asks carefully.

"...I don't know," Hyunjin admits, because he really doesn't. "I never really thought about it. I never really think about Seungmin that way?"

"Do you want to?" Hyunjin flickers his eyes at Minho.

"Would you want to?" Hyunjin flickers his eyes at Changbin.

"Do you want to take him out on a date?"

"Do you want to hold his hand?"

"Do you want to cuddle him?"

"And kiss him?" Hyunjin flickers his eyes at Minho and Changbin as they throw him question after question. They only shut up when Hyunjin puts his hands up, motioning for them to stop.

"I hold Seungmin's hand and cuddle with him all the time…"

"Because you like him?" Changbin tries again.

"No?" Hyunjin frowns. "I don't know. Because I like holding hands and cuddling. I do those with Jisung, too."

"Do you like Jisung, then?" Minho asks again.

"What kind of question is that? Of course I do. He's my best friend."

"Would you kiss Jisung?" Minho pushes. "On the lips? Like full-on makeout with him?"

Hyunjin pales at that. While he does love Jisung very much so and wouldn't mind giving him a kiss on the cheek or forehead or anywhere else on Jisung's face that isn't his lips, the thought of making out with his best friend however, weirded him out. It's not even because they're both guys (Hyunjin has come into terms with his bisexuality a long time ago) but rather at the fact that he can't kiss someone like that if he doesn't have romantic feelings for them. "No."

"Then you wouldn't mind if Jisung kisses someone else?" Hyunjin shakes his head. "What if it's Seungmin?"

"Huh?"

"What if it's Seungmin kissing someone else," Minho asks patiently, while Changbin quietly observes their conversation. "How would you feel about that? If he's holding hands with someone else and hugging them?"

There's that same strange,  _ ugly  _ feeling stirring in his chest again, especially when his useless brain supplies him with images of Seungmin with Felix, laughing together and smiling at each other with sparkles in their eyes. He imagines them holding hands, imagines Seungmin hugging Felix, imagines them  _ kissing _ and the ugly feeling boils and rises up and clouds his mind as well now. He soon realizes the feeling is  _ jealousy.  _ Which is absurd. Why would he feel jealous anyway and why should he care if Seungmin kisses Felix and–

"Whatever," Hyunjin decides. "I don't think I care. He can kiss whoever he likes."

"The thought makes you feel a  _ little  _ angry, huh?" Changbin chuckles.

_ "Whatever,"  _ Hyunjin says petulantly.

"Would you kiss Seungmin?" Minho asks because apparently he's not done  _ interrogating  _ yet. The question is not really unexpected but Hyunjin is shocked of it the same and he can feel himself blushing. He's not opposed to the idea of kissing Seungmin as much as he is to the idea of kissing Jisung, which is weird, because they're both his best friends. He feels a little bad and guilty he'd kiss one of them but not the other, and if Hyunjin was one of them, he'd be offended of the lowkey favoritism. Not to say that Hyunjin likes Seungmin more than he likes Jisung, but well– Hyunjin  _ does  _ like Seungmin  _ a little bit _ more than he likes Jisung. Just a little bit. He'd never admit that out loud, though.  _ Never.  _ Please don't tell Jisung or any of his friends, or else he'll never hear the end of it.

"N-no," Hyunjin answers after a few moments have passed, avoiding both of their gazes. Hyunjin internally curses himself for stuttering and for not being able to look at either of them in the eye, because he tends to do so when he's lying, and all of his friends  _ know _ this– the matching shit-eating grin on Minho and Changbin's face is a clear indication enough that he got caught this time, too. "Okay, look. I don't like him like that, and I am not in love with him," Hyunjin sighs. Saying that feels weird, though, but Hyunjin doesn't know why and refuses to explore more on it. "So I need you guys to be careful with your words around him. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and make things weird between us…"

"Don't worry your pretty head over this," Minho gently flicks the side of Hyunjin's head with his fingers. "We won't say anything. Not that we need to."

"What?" Hyunjin cocks an inquiring eyebrow up at Minho. "What do you mean??" Hyunjin watches Minho and Changbin exchanging looks and unspoken words with each other that ends with what seems like a conspiring grin.

"Get up. Let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

"Noooo. Wait! Tell me first!" Hyunjin protests, but quickly catches up with the older guys before they leave him alone. "Hyuuuuung!"

~*~

It's peaceful at the campus' main field.

Somehow, Hyunjin manages to grab a spot at one of the bigger and shadier trees. Dropping his bag, Hyunjin quickly takes a seat on the ground next to his stuff and leans against the tree bark, his eyes shutting closed. He had not been getting as much sleep as he should these past few nights because of an assignment that needed to be done (completed and finally submitted that morning, thank god), so Hyunjin's been feeling exhausted all day long today. He finally has a free period but is too lazy to walk to his dorm, so he decides to take a breather and a quick nap at the field.

Hyunjin's already on the verge of sleep when he hears footsteps approaching him. He peeks a lazy eye open before closing it again after seeing who the person is.

"I knew you'd be here," the person says. Hyunjin can hear him dropping his bag onto Hyunjin's before Hyunjin feels weight straddling him.

"Jisung," Hyunjin whines in disapproval, but his hands find their way on Jisung's thighs nonetheless.

"I heard from a friend of a friend of a hyung that you wouldn't kiss me. Is that true, Hwang Hyunjin?" Jisung asks.

"Yes," Hyunjin replies without hesitation. "Now let me sleep. M' tired."

"Why not? Baby, I'm offended!"

"Are you telling me that  _ you  _ would kiss  _ me?" _

"Totally. I'd kiss you for 100,000 won."

"You really think my lips only cost that much? Now  _ I'm  _ offended."

"My point is, I'd kiss you if it comes with a certain benefit. Would kiss you for fun, too, though."

"I don't know why we're having this conversation."

"We're having this conversation  _ because _ you said you wouldn't kiss me. That's a breach to our bro code. You should have just said yes!"

"What's the point of saying yes if I didn't mean it? It's not beneficial at all."

"It would boost my ego, though." Hyunjin clicks his tongue in disbelief. "Besides, I'm a great kisser so you would have a good time kissing me. Isn't that beneficial enough to you?"

"Right now, I'm  _ this  _ close to give you the kiss that you oh-so-desperately need just to shut you up so you would let me sleep.

"Well, what's stop- EWWWW," Jisung shrieks when Hyunjin actually plants an exaggerated smooch on Jisung's cheek, but he doesn't pull away from Hyunjin. "What the  _ fuck.  _ You're so gross." Hyunjin laughs at the funny face Jisung is making at him, even more so when Jisung adds "Do it again.", showing his other cheek to Hyunjin.

"Just say you love my kisses and go," Hyunjin teases but he indulges Jisung and presses a different kiss on Jisung's other cheek.

"I love your kisses, yes," Jisung admits, already moving away from Hyunjin after getting his kisses and hand grabbing his backpack. "Oh well, you wouldn't kiss me on the lips but at least I'm getting kisses somewhere else, so it's not all that bad," Jisung shrugs as he puts his backpack on. Hyunjin smiles lazily and closes his eyes again, the sleepiness overpowering. "Are you really gonna sleep here?"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"You could get robbed??" Jisung says in disbelief. "At least hold your things close to you. Jesus." Jisung shoves Hyunjin's bag under his hands.

"There's nothing valuable inside," Hyunjin tells Jisung, but hugs his bag to his chest anyway just so Jisung would shut up and  _ finally _ let him sleep. "Empty wallet and empty card because zero balance in bank account."

"Mood," Jisung agrees. "But still."

"Please. Just go."

Jisung clicks his tongue in disapproval. "Don't sleep for long, okay? There's no one else around. I have to go and I'm a bit worried. Should I call someone to come here?"

Hyunjin doesn't answer, partly because he's lazy and partly because he's already tipping on the edge of unconsciousness. He thinks he hears Jisung curse lowly, and then he feels a gentle kiss on his forehead before sleep finally claims him.


	2. Chapter 2

The dream is nice.

From the cool breeze blowing against him on the otherwise sunny afternoon, to the quiet chatter of people as background sound and finally to the light touches on his face– it's nice.  _ Very nice.  _ Hyunjin leans into the touch and flutters his eyes open.

It's blurry at first, but his eyes adjust to the soft afternoon light to see a familiar figure sitting and looking at him, eyes wide and lips slightly parted open. The lips are  _ nice _ – light pink and glossy with lip balm and looking so,  _ so  _ inviting.

"You have pretty lips," Hyunjin hears his dream-self saying, eyes closing shut again. "Everything about you is so pretty. It's unfair."

"Hyunjin…"

"Seungmin, I–" Hyunjin trails off. The dream ends there as Hyunjin drifts farther away into dreamland.

~*~

It's crazy and absurd, and mostly  _ embarrassing _ when Hyunjin finds himself suddenly noticing and staring at Seungmin's lips a hell of a lot these days.

He blames it on Minho and Changbin for talking about  _ kissing _ his best friends to him, because now Hyunjin can't stop wondering about Seungmin's lips and how it would feel like pressing his lips against them. Seungmin has a really pretty lips, can you really blame Hyunjin for thinking about them? Definitely not. They're just so pink and very well moisturized and–

Currently they're moving to form a word that looks suspiciously like  _ Hyunjin… _

"Hyunjin?" Hyunjin hears it this time, along with seeing the movement of the lips because he'd been staring,  _ again. _

"Huh? What?" Hyunjin blinks away from his reverie to move his gaze up. Seungmin is looking at him with a curious glint in his eyes and a light pink blush dusting across his cheeks.

"You okay? You were...umm. Zoning out."

"Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm fine," Hyunjin says, gaze shifted back down to the book he'd been reading before he got distracted by Seungmin's lips. Thinking about it again makes Hyunjin embarrassed. Does Seungmin, perhaps, know Hyunjin's been thinking about how pretty Seungmin's lips are and how he wanted to know what it would feel like kissing them? Because, fuck, that's really such a creepy thought and Hyunjin doesn't want Seungmin to feel weirded out by it…

"Is everything okay?" Seungmin hesitantly reaches for Hyunjin's hand. When Hyunjin doesn't pull away, Seungmin turns Hyunjin's hand around so he could properly hold it in his. "You seem distracted a lot these days."

Hyunjin blushes because  _ of course _ Seungmin would notice that, but also because of the caring tone in his voice and the comforting squeeze of his hand on Hyunjin's. It makes Hyunjin's heart beats wildly and the butterflies flutter in his stomach. It's not unpleasant but not so comfortable either. It makes Hyunjin nervous as well as causing his brain to mouth filter to malfunction because the next thing Hyunjin knows, he's saying "Jisung said I'm in love with you."

Fuck. Not this again.

Hyunjin watches as Seungmin's eyebrows rise up in shock at what Hyunjin said, but he doesn't say anything nor is he pulling his hand away from Hyunjin's– which is probably a good thing. Right? Hyunjin gulps and locks his gaze with Seungmin's. "Am I in love with you?"

Seungmin's eyes search for Hyunjin's, a look of confusion in them but there also seems to be hidden...hope? But then Seungmin is chuckling, breathless and nervous.

"Why are you asking me  _ that?"  _ Seungmin asks, avoiding Hyunjin's gaze.

"Because…you're the smartest one and you know everything," Hyunjin answers lamely. The truth is, Hyunjin doesn't know why he's asking Seungmin this, doesn't even know why he's putting this out here. What was he expecting anyway? Confirmation that Jisung was wrong? Or confirmation that his best friend was right all along? And what was Hyunjin going to do with either of those anyway?

"Don't be silly," Seungmin laughs the same breathless and nervous laughter. This time, Seungmin lets go of Hyunjin's hand and pulls his hand away from Hyunjin's reach. Not that Hyunjin has the guts to grab Seungmin's hand again, so he does nothing but stare longingly at Seungmin's hand. "How would I...know  _ that."  _ Seungmin murmurs.

Hyunjin stares at Seungmin some more and then sighs heavily. "You're right," Hyunjin agrees. If Hyunjin himself doesn't know, there's no way other people would do. Hyunjin tries to go back to reading, letting his fingers play with the edge of the page of the book. "Sorry for asking such a stupid question."

"It's okay. I was just...a little taken aback by your question. Aren't you, like, in love with Jisung?" Seungmin asks carefully. Now Hyunjin is the one taken aback by Seungmin's question. Hyunjin widens his eyes in horror, because he's  _ pretty  _ sure he's not in love with Jisung like that, no. If he is, Hyunjin would know...right? Damn, why are feelings so confusing and complicated. "And it's okay if you are, Hyunjin. I told you, you can tell me anything and I won't judge you."

"Wait, wait, wait," Hyunjin shakes the confusion away. "Me? In love with Jisung? What makes  _ you _ think  _ that?" _

"Well, you guys are close," Seungmin mumbles. It doesn't make much sense to Hyunjin because being close to someone doesn't automatically make him in  _ love _ with them. Hyunjin's close with a lot of people! But then, Seungmin adds: "You hold his hands and never refuse his hugs."

"I...hold your hands and hug you too?" Hyunjin reminds Seungmin. This is his conversation with Minho and Changbin all over again. Everything is confusing as  _ fuck  _ and Hyunjin is so not here for it.

_ "And _ you give him kisses," Seungmin tells him. "Jisung calls you baby and tells you he loves you. Isn't  _ he _ in love with  _ you?" _

"What?" Hyunjin laughs in disbelief. He's heard a lot of crazy things this week and this has to be the most ridiculous one yet. What's even crazier is the fact that Hyunjin's beginning to doubt it all- unsure that what he thought he knew was the truth anymore. "Jisung...Jisung is not in love with me…He can't be. We're just best friends..."

"Can't people be in love with their best friends?"

"Well, I  _ for sure  _ can't," Hyunjin says thoughtlessly. Seungmin tenses at Hyunjin's answer and fiddles with his fingers.

"I see…"

"I mean...Wouldn't it be...a little weird?" Hyunjin asks.

Seungmin's eyebrows frown in confusion. "Why would it be weird?"

Hyunjin honestly doesn't know how to answer  _ that,  _ so Hyunjin only offers a shrug as a response. There’s something else playing in Seungmin’s eyes now, something that Hyunjin can’t decipher on the spot. Not that Seungmin is giving him any chance to, because he’s already avoiding Hyunjin’s gaze again as he hastily packs his things. "I see. Uh. I have. I have to go."

“Wait,” Hyunjin grabs Seungmin’s wrist to stop him. “Jisung is  _ not  _ in love with me and I-. You don’t really think I’m in love with Jisung, do you?” Hyunjin laughs nervously. There’s a part deep inside of Hyunjin that is scared of the look on Seungmin’s face- sad and defeated, and he doesn’t know why it’s important to him that Seungmin doesn’t misunderstand him, that he needs Seungmin to know that he doesn’t like Jisung like that, no.

“I think,” Seungmin starts. “If you’re in love with someone, you would have known. It’s not something that you ask other people, but rather to yourself. Whether you’re in love with Jisung, or me, or someone else for that matter, I can’t answer that for you, Hyunjin,” he smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “As for what I think...It doesn’t matter, does it?”

Hyunjin can’t find his words for that so he only watches as Seungmin leaves him alone at the cafe where they were supposed to be studying, but Hyunjin just had to ruin it all. The bell above the entrance rings as Seungmin walks out of the place, and Hyunjin watches with longing eyes until Seungmin is completely out of his sight. Seungmin doesn’t even stop or turn around, not even once.

“Of course it matters,” Hyunjin whispers to himself long after Seungmin had left, a gloomy feeling taking over his mood. Hyunjin packs his own stuff and leaves as well now that he is sure he can’t concentrate on his studies anymore.

~*~

Hyunjin finds Jisung at their usual table on the outer part of the cafeteria, playing his guitar again as per usual whenever he has free time. He’s alone at the table, but Hyunjin wasn’t expecting anyone else to be there because it’s always been just the two of them.

“Seungmin thinks I’m in love with you,” Hyunjin slams his heavy books on the table, startling Jisung for a fraction of second but then he immediately bursts out laughing.

“God, both of you are so dense,” Jisung says, wiping the tears that manage to escape the corner of his eye. When he sees Hyunjin frowning at him, unimpressed, though, he shuts his mouth instantly. “Wait, are you really?”

“No,” Hyunjin makes a face and takes a seat next to Jisung with a deep sigh. “I mean, no offense…,” he adds quickly.

“None taken,” Jisung shrugs, hands up in agreement. “I thought so, too. You? In love with me? In what universe?” he snorts, fingers plucking the strings of his guitar. Hyunjin watches Jisung’s fingers absentmindedly, and then remembers what else Seungmin had said to him.

“He also said you’re in love with me,” Hyunjin says, causing Jisung to pluck on the wrong string and ruining the melody he was playing. When Jisung doesn’t continue playing, Hyunjin finally shifts his gaze up at Jisung. “What?” Hyunjin asks.

“Why did he say that?”

“Cause we’re  _ close and hold hands and hug a lot,”  _ Hyunjin quotes Seungmin. “I kiss you, and you tell me you love me-”

“Yeah, because you’re my best friend-” Jisung interrupts. Hyunjin widens his eyes as if telling  _ my thoughts exactly,  _ and says “Also because you call me baby, apparently.”

“Because you’re a  _ literal _ big baby!” Jisung says, laughing in disbelief. Hyunjin gets it though. He also thinks it’s ridiculous. “And so what? I call Minho sweetie, and Changbin honey, and Jeongin brat and Chan... _ hyung  _ BUT my point is, I call everyone close to me with a pet name.”

“Right? Maybe if he were close to you, he would have known this too,” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, and then leans onto Jisung heavily, suddenly feeling days worth of exhaustion crashing on him.

“Hey, you okay there?” Jisung asks, worry in his voice.

“I’m so tired,” Hyunjin says, straightening back up as he remembers something. “This is all  _ your _ fault!”

“I, what?” Jisung splutters. “Why is this  _ my  _ fault??”

“You were the one who brought this up first!” Hyunjin narrows his eyes at his best friend. “If you didn’t say anything about me apparently being in love with Seungmin, I wouldn’t be thinking about this too much and lose so many nights of sleep.” Hyunjin had intended to say it in a light and joking manner, but by the way Jisung’s face fall at his words, it seems that Jisung had taken what Hyunjin said to heart.

“Baby, I’m sorry,” Jisung says, putting his guitar away so he could hug Hyunjin. “I was only teasing you, I didn’t know-” his voice trembles that it alarms Hyunjin immediately.

“Jisung, love, come on,” Hyunjin panics slightly, because he hadn’t meant to make Jisung sad. His arms tighten around the younger’s waist. “I was only exaggerating. I’m tired cause classes and assignments are kicking my ass.”

“But still,” Jisung says, sighing. “I was teasing you, but also to make you realize in case you hadn’t noticed it? I thought that you could finally act on your feelings for Seungmin if I said something about it.”

“You still think I’m in love with Seungmin?” Hyunjin pulls away to look at Jisung unsurely.

“From what the others and I see, it seems like you are but, baby, of course we could be wrong, too. I don’t want you to think you’re in love with Seungmin because we think you are, and then you find out that you’re not. You need to figure it out on your own, baby. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Now, you’re just scaring me,” Hyunjin pouts, making Jisung chuckle.

“Will cuddles make it better?”

“A lot better, yes,” Hyunjin nods. “Feelings...are so complicated and exhausting.”

“That, they are,” Jisung agrees, already packing his things. “Tell you what. I’m skipping my next class so let’s head back to your dorm and we can cuddle all you want.”

“My hero,” Hyunjin puckers his lips and leans forward to smooch Jisung’s cheek.

“The heck,” Jisung pulls away laughing, wiping his cheek with his sleeve but Hyunjin’s having none of that. He grabs Jisung by the nape and pulls him towards himself so he could smooch Jisung’s other cheek. “Ah, seriously!”

“What, don’t act like you didn’t like that,” Hyunjin smirks.

“Okay, okay you got me,” Jisung laughs and pulls Hyunjin to stand up. “Lets go cuddle now!”

“Maybe we can watch some movies, too,” Hyunjin suggests, taking his books in his arm.

“We can definitely do that, yes,” Jisung nods. His arm finds its way around Hyunjin’s waist as they walk to the dorms together. Hyunjin feels eyes watching them but when he turns his head around, there’s no one looking at them, the people around them are busy doing their own things to care about random students.

“Come on!” Jisung’s voice brings Hyunjin back from his thoughts, Jisung’s arm pulling Hyunjin’s waist to walk with him and Hyunjin’s gaze back to his friend, barely missing Felix pulling on Seungmin’s hand to leave the place on the opposite side of the cafeteria.

~*~

Hyunjin doesn’t notice it at first.

He only shares one class with Seungmin, and with the exams coming up, Hyunjin thinks it’s normal that he doesn’t see Seungmin as much anymore. But then Hyunjin begins noticing other things, like how his conversation with Seungmin these days (be it in person or through kakaotalk) are always short-lived, Seungmin’s replies always so curt and he barely returns Hyunjin’s calls anymore. They also don’t walk to class together anymore, because Seungmin is either already there early or a little later after the class starts, which is rather unusual of him. Hyunjin doesn’t think much of it the first time it happened, although he  _ was  _ rather confused, but didn’t ask Seungmin about it either. But then, it happens again the second time, and the third and suddenly, their routine is broken and replaced with another one. He tried talking to Seungmin about it, but Seungmin always avoids talking to him with increasingly lame excuses.

_ Avoid _ . Seungmin is avoiding him, and the realization hits Hyunjin harder than he’d prepared.  _ Seungmin is avoiding him. _ But why? Was it something Hyunjin said to him? Or something he did? But,  _ what? _ It’s frustrating because he wants to fix whatever it is that happened between them, but he doesn’t know what the problem is and Seungmin is not being cooperative with him. It also scares him, because it feels like he’s losing Seungmin and Hyunjin doesn’t want that. Seungmin is an important person in his life, a precious friend he never ever want to lose.

_ (Friends. _ That’s what they are, right?)

So, Hyunjin doesn’t give up, doesn't want to give up. He’ll keep on trying until Seungmin tells him what’s wrong so Hyunjin can do something about it. In fact, he spots Seungmin at the campus’ park, and is trying to make his way to confront the younger guy but freezes in his tracks when Felix beats him to it. The red-haired guy makes a run to the bench Seungmin is sitting at, a worried look on his face and as soon as he sits down, Seungmin throws himself into Felix’s embrace and bursts into tears.

Hyunjin doesn’t know what is happening. He’s too far to listen to their conversation but there’s an ache in Hyunjin’s heart when he sees Seungmin cry, an ache in his heart because it’s not Hyunjin Seungmin goes to for whatever is currently bothering him, an ache in his heart because Hyunjin is not the one comforting Seungmin. Hyunjin wants to hold Seungmin so badly, but knows he couldn’t because Hyunjin is not the one Seungmin needs nor wants, and that fucking  _ stings _ a lot. Hyunjin thought he’d be jealous and angry that Seungmin is choosing Felix over him, but all he’s feeling is sadness and pain because he’s not good enough of a friend to Seungmin, and maybe that’s all on him.

Hyunjin moves to leave but before he could, his gaze catches Felix’s surprised one for a second. The surprised morphs into concern and then apologetic as he acknowledges Hyunjin with a small nod, before giving his attention back to comforting Seungmin. Hyunjin gives one last look at Seungmin, and then reluctantly moves his heavy feet to leave the place, half-hoping Seungmin would notice him and stop him, and ask him to come over and give him a hug.

Of course it doesn’t happen. Hyunjin walks and walks and walks and Seungmin doesn’t call for him. When the tears finally fall from his eyes, Hyunjin has no one else to comfort him but himself.

~*~

Felix approaches him one day when Hyunjin least expected it. Hyunjin hasn’t talked to Seungmin in a while, because if that’s what Seungmin wants, then Hyunjin will give it to him even if it hurts Hyunjin. Hyunjin feels so lost, confused and empty but there’s nothing he could do about it if Seungmin doesn’t want him to do something about it.

“He just needs...time,” Felix says. Time for what?, Hyunjin wants to ask, but he’s so, so exhausted- mentally, physically, emotionally, so he doesn’t say anything except stare at Felix. “This isn’t easy for him, too, you know.”

Hyunjin knows and doesn’t know at the same time. He knows Seungmin is having a hard time; he can see that much, but Hyunjin doesn’t know  _ what _ causes it, and why he wants to stay away from Hyunjin through it all. “Is it me?” Hyunjin asks, voice croaky from disuse. It has to be him, right? That’s why Seungmin wants nothing to do with him at the moment.

“Not...fully,” Felix says vaguely. “You do have something to do with it, but trust me, it’s more on him.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin says, even though he has so many questions to ask. “I hope he’s not giving himself a hard time. I’ll...wait for him, I guess,” Hyunjin tries for a smile. 

Felix smiles back at him and then excuses himself, leaving Hyunjin alone again with his notes and assignments, and the neverending thoughts inside his head.


	3. Chapter 3

The realization of his feelings for Seungmin is a gradual thing.

He doesn’t know if this is love, because Hyunjin doesn’t know  _ what  _ love is (yet). Love is probably too strong of a word to use here, but being away from Seungmin makes him think a lot about how he feels towards the younger guy. At first, Hyunjin thinks he just misses his bestfriend, misses spending time with Seungmin and really, just being with him in general. It’s strange to stop talking to one of his closest friends, to not laugh and hold Seungmin in his arms, but Hyunjin endures because it’s what Seungmin wanted.

Soon enough, though, Hyunjin realizes he doesn’t just miss Seungmin— he  _ longs  _ for him. His heart aches when he thinks of being the reason why the smile is wiped off from Seungmin’s face, for being the reason Seungmin cried and for the light in Seungmin’s eyes to dim into a dull spark.

His heart aches when he sees Seungmin finally smiles a genuine smile (albeit small) because Hyunjin is not the reason behind it. And that’s the thing– that’s the problem. Hyunjin  _ wants  _ to be the one who puts that smile on Seungmin’s face, to be the one who holds Seungmin’s hand, to be the one embracing Seungmin and protecting him from all the evil and sadness in the world but he  _ can’t. _

“I think I like Seungmin,” Hyunjin says as soon as he barges into Jisung’s dorm. Hyunjin’s arrival is so sudden and unannounced that it catches Jisung by surprise, making him still on his bed, his eyes wide and headphones still on with loud music blasting from it. Jisung probably didn’t hear what Hyunjin was saying, and that makes Hyunjin’s heart sinks because he will have to repeat himself, and repeating himself will only make this all finally sink in, will only make it all  _ real _ and Hyunjin is  _ scared. _

“Hey,” Jisung snaps from the surprise, sliding the headphones off and pushing himself off the bed to approach Hyunjin.

“I think I like Seungmin,” Hyunjin says again, voice smaller this time. “I like Seungmin but I think it’s too late now.”

Hyunjin doesn’t even realize he’s shaking until Jisung closes the door behind them and then Hyunjin feels Jisung’s hands on his cheeks, making Hyunjin look at him. “Baby, look at me,” Jisung says, eyes hard but concerned, his hold grounding and reassuring. “Breathe.”

Hyunjin takes a slow, shaky breath in, eyes focusing on Jisung and the small praises he’s saying as Hyunjin tries to steady his breathing. But it doesn’t last long because Hyunjin remembers the way Seungmin smiled at Felix, the way Felix tucked Seungmin’s brown locks behind his ear, the way Seungmin’s eyes lit up with happiness and the grateful look on his face when Felix leaned forward to press a kiss on Seungmin’s forehead before hugging him, and then suddenly it’s hard to breathe again.

“Ji-” Hyunjin chokes. Jisung immediately pulls Hyunjin into a hug. “It’s too late now, isn’t it?”

Instead of answering Hyunjin’s question, Jisung only says “You’re ok. It’s going to be ok.”

For some reason, that only makes Hyunjin cry even harder.

~*~

Hyunjin is a very cuddly person, even more so after crying his heart out where he would feel particularly vulnerable, and Jisung tells him this.

“Shut up,” Hyunjin groans, nuzzling his face on Jisung’s chest clad in fluffy sweater. Currently, they’re lying down on Jisung’s bed, with Jisung on his back and a whole 179cm of Hyunjin cuddling up to his tinier body. After crying it all out, Hyunjin feels admittedly better than he did half an hour ago. “You love me.”

“That my friend, I do,” Jisung snorts. He strokes Hyunjin’s hair with one hand, while the other hand is absentmindedly patting on Hyunjin’s back. The gestures are very comforting that Hyunjin can’t help but let out a content sigh. He suddenly feels very tired and sleepy. “How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted,” Hyunjin slurs, eyes closing shut. Silence fills the place and Hyunjin’s close to slipping into slumber before Jisung carefully breaks the tranquility with a quiet: “If you like Seungmin, I think you should let him know.”

Jisung sighs when Hyunjin doesn't say anything back to him but he still sounds so patient when he adds: "This whole thing is such a messy misunderstanding. You guys should sit down and talk it out properly."

"What's the point?" Hyunjin says dejectedly. "Seungmin doesn't even want to see me let alone  _ talk _ to me. Besides," Hyunjin trails off before continuing. "I don't know what I did to have caused this cold treatment but he seems happier with Felix. Maybe it's better off that way," Hyunjin murmurs, recalling the scene of Seungmin and Felix at the campus' park again an hour prior to this, before Hyunjin went running off to find Jisung.

"Like I said, a  _ messy  _ misunderstanding."

Hyunjin hums inquiringly, both lazy and tired to say anything.

"I suppose Seungmin  _ is  _ happy with Felix. I mean, Felix has been there with him from the beginning and through this all," Jisung refers to their situation for the past weeks with a weird hand gesture. "I'm sure he's thankful of Felix. Felix is his best friend after all."

It stings a little for Hyunjin to hear that. "That could have been me," he says. He  _ could _ have been a better friend to Seungmin. Heck, Hyunjin wishes he was smarter so he could figure out where all of this so-called misunderstanding stems from.

"It could," Jisung humors with a chuckle. "But it's also fine if you couldn't be like what Felix is to Seungmin."

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin furrows his eyebrows, eyes still shut tight.

"I mean you and Felix are very  _ different _ people but both of you are equally very important to him. To him, neither of you can be better than the other because both of you are already special in your own ways. I told you this before, didn't I? So don't ever think you're not enough, please," Jisung says knowingly. "You're too pretty to have ugly thoughts, baby," Jisung lightly teases. It brings a small smile on Hyunjin's face nonetheless. "I know it's shitty of him to treat you this way right now, and I know it may seem like he's choosing Felix over you but I also believe whatever Seungmin is going through right now, I know there has to be a reason for it. You just need to talk to him."

"What could the reason possibly be, though?" Hyunjin pouts. He's hundred percent clueless about this! 

"It could be anything, honestly."

Unsatisfied with Jisung's answer, Hyunjin turns quiet again. He tries to think back to his last proper conversation with Seungmin, or possibly figuring out where everything started to go downhill. He can't figure out  _ what _ went wrong, and then…

Hyunjin opens his eyes with a start, feeling the blood draining from his face. It's enough to alert Jisung because there's a worried frown on his face when Hyunjin sits up to look at him.

"What is it?" Jisung asks.

"Before...before this all happened, I was studying with Seungmin at our usual cafe," Hyunjin starts recalling back to  _ that _ day. He doesn't remember much of the conversation but for some reason, the part where he told Seungmin that Jisung said Hyunjin was in love with Seungmin is very crystal clear in his head. Already, Hyunjin can feel the tears returning and heart sinking again. "I told him you said I was in love with him…Jisung…" Hyunjin blinks teary eyes at Jisung. "Did I…did I scare him? Did I weird him out? Oh god–"

"Hey, hey, hey," Jisung quickly sits up to hug Hyunjin again. "I can promise you that you  _ didn't  _ scare him away."

"But– but how would  _ you _ know that?" Hyunjin says wetly. "Maybe– maybe he knows that I like him before I do know it myself and now he's scared and disgusted–"

"Oh, shush," Jisung tightens his arms around Hyunjin. "If he knows that you like him, he wouldn't be avoiding you."

"What do you mean?"

"Honestly, does he look scared and disgusted to you?" Hyunjin ponders on the question and thinks back to Seungmin's condition lately. He doesn't seem like his usual self, true, but instead of looking scared and disgusted as he actively avoids Hyunjin, Seungmin looks... _ sad  _ more than anything.

"No…," Hyunjin answers eventually. He doesn't know what this could mean but at the same time, he doesn't want to be hopeful too much.

"See? Don't jump to conclusions like that," Jisung chuckles. "Ask him and  _ talk,  _ please. I'm begging you at this point. If you ask him nicely, I'm sure he could find some time to meet you."

"…I don't know." Hyunjin thinks of the curt texts‐ some were left on read, thinks of the way Seungmin refuses to look at him in the eye, and feels unsure and disheartened. "It's too late. All I can do now is wait and give him some more time…"

"I don't think it's too late," Jisung tells him. "Trust me. He'll listen to you." Hyunjin heaves a heavy sigh. "Try one last time?" He then insists.

"Fine," Hyunjin agrees reluctantly. He's not sure if Seungmin will respond to him, is not sure he could handle being ignored again but he supposes it's worth the shot. If Seungmin leaves him on read again, Hyunjin will probably feel down but it's for future Hyunjin to deal with.

For now he'll cuddle the day away with Jisung. Jisung lets him.

~*~

Hyunjin knows the reason why things are like  _ this  _ now with Seungmin is because of that particular conversation he had with Seungmin back at the cafe during their study, so he has to remember the whole conversation to find out what exactly went wrong.

It all comes back in fragments. There’s the part where Hyunjin blurted out that Jisung said Hyunjin was in love with Seungmin, of course. Then Hyunjin stupidly asking Seungmin if that was true.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin drops his head on the pillow and screams into it. He remembers Seungmin saying Hyunjin was in love with Jisung, which was again, absurd because it doesn’t make any sense that he’s in love with Jisung out of all people. He and Jisung are close, yes, best friends that give platonic hugs and kisses to each other but that doesn’t mean they’re in love.

Hyunjin calms down and presses his cheek on the pillow, staring at the wall before him and replaying the conversation over and over again in his head.

_ Can’t people be in love with their best friends? _

_ Well, I for sure can’t. Wouldn’t it be a little weird? _

“Ughh Hwang Hyunjin,” Hyunjin groans, kicking his blanket off his bed and thrashing on the mattress. Maybe  _ this  _ is it, maybe he offended Seungmin with this one. Because maybe…

Hyunjin stops thrashing on the bed to stare at the ceiling instead.

Maybe Seungmin is in love with his best friend, with  _ Felix  _ and Hyunjin had the audacity to call it weird.

"What an asshole," Hyunjin mutters to himself. "Making Seungmin sad like that." He tries not to think too much about the sadness creeping in at the fact that it's Felix and not him, that it will never be him. This isn't about him. This is about Seungmin and their friendship and he needs to apologize because he doesn't want to lose Seungmin this way. He should put aside his (newly discovered) feeling for Seungmin and focus on saving their friendship.

Hyunjin has to gather so much courage to type a simple _can we talk?_ and then gather some more to press send. He stares at the screen as he waits for Seungmin to open and read the text. It takes about an hour and a half because Hyunjin knows Seungmin has a class and he seldom touches his phone during lessons. The text stays as read, and Hyunjin is almost sure Seungmin is going to ignore him again, but then a short _ok_ can be seen from Seungmin's side of the chat. Hyunjin picks up his phone from the desk and almost drops it in his haste. With shaky hands, he types _our_ _usual bench later at 5pm_

Seungmin doesn't answer this time. Hyunjin feels his heart beat fast in his chest. 5pm is in less than an hour. Ok shit, maybe he didn’t think this through but there’s no use regretting this now. Hyunjin picks his favorite hoodie and puts it on, immediately feeling safe and secure because it’s the same hoodie he used when he cuddled with Jisung last 2 nights ago so it still has Jisung’s comforting scent on it. Hyunjin puts his beanie on as well because it’s getting colder these days with the coming of fall. He slips his shoes on and then leaves the dorm with a million thoughts passing through his head.

Their usual bench is located at the campus' small park, just outside of the engineering building where most of Seungmin's lessons take place. It's situated right in the middle of Seungmin's main building and Hyunjin's main building, so they tend to meet up here during their free time to chat if they don't have plans with their other friends. The walk from the dorm to this particular bench takes about 10 minutes of leisurely walk, but even so, Hyunjin arrives at the bench half an hour early, which means he gets some time to sort out his thoughts and think of what to say to Seungmin later. Of course the time is not carefully used, though, because of course Hyunjin’s mind will be flying off to somewhere else instead. He’s distracted by the colorful leaves decorating the trees around campus area- the bright red and orange and warm yellow, the beautiful sky and the lovely breeze softly brushing against his cheeks. Despite feeling worried before, Hyunjin finds himself currently at peace. He loves fall and how pretty everything is during this season.

"You're awfully early," a voice breaks the silence. Hyunjin snaps from his thoughts and turns to see Seungmin's figure approaching the bench, and then taking a seat on the other end after carelessly putting his sling bag in the spaces between them. There's still a big distance separating them but it's the closest Hyunjin's ever been to Seungmin in 2 and a half weeks that he can't help but stare and drink in the sight of Seungmin as much as he can. The younger guy looks fluffy in his light brown trench coat draped over his simple plain white sweater. His signature comma hairstyle is nowhere to be seen that day as he chose to wear his bangs down, and sporting his huge round glasses instead of wearing his contacts. Right now, Kim Seungmin is the definition of cozy and cute and it brings a small smile on Hyunjin's face, even if Seungmin (still) refuses to look at Hyunjin in the eye.

"I guess I needed to clear my mind off a bit," Hyunjin explains, gaze drifting down to Seungmin's hands on his lap. He's shaking for a bit, Hyunjin realizes. He wonders if Seungmin is feeling cold or if they're shaking for a completely different reason. When Seungmin shoves his hands in the pockets of his coat as if noticing Hyunjin's eyes on them, Hyunjin respectfully looks away without mentioning anything about it. His own hands are shaky too, as do the rest of his body. Hyunjin doesn't know if he's cold because of the weather or because of the nerves. He pulls his legs up to hug his knees to his chest, curling into himself to warm himself up.

The air is thick with tension and unspoken words, almost uncomfortably so, but neither of them rush to say something for the sake of saying something. In fact, for a couple of minutes, they allow the silence to settle around them as they gather their thoughts.

"How have you been?" Hyunjin ends up asking. Then he wants to kick himself in the face for asking such a stupid question because Seungmin obviously has not been feeling peachy lately.  _ But _ Hyunjin supposes that it's a polite question because he genuinely wants to know and hopes Seungmin is doing better these days.

"Stressed, sleep-deprived, broke," Seungmin answers with a shrug. "You know, typical college student."

Hyunjin lets out a quiet sigh and smiles. "But you're ok? Better now?" Hyunjin braves himself to lift his gaze up at Seungmin, and Seungmin this time actually looks back at him.

"Yeah," Seungmin whispers, eyes searching Hyunjin's face as if memorizing every part of it, or perhaps remembering every forgotten little detail now that he's sitting face to face with Hyunjin again. "Better now," his gaze finds Hyunjin's. "I'll be ok. You...umm. Want to talk?" There's hesitance in Seungmin's voice, worry in the way he bites on his lower lip and discomfort in the way one of his hands fidgets with the hem of his coat. Like this, Seungmin looks incredibly small and has Hyunjin wishing he could swoop the younger guy into his arms and hug him until he feels better again. He doesn't.

"Yeah," Hyunjin confirms. "I want to talk about what happened, actually." When he sees Seungmin tensing, Hyunjin quickly adds: "But we don't have to if you're not ready." Although Hyunjin has his own suspicion about what happened to have caused this, he'd rather not mention it if Seungmin is not ready to open up yet. "I just–. I missed you and I want my bestfriend back. I can give you more time if you need it, but I need to know we're ok. I need to know I'm not losing you," Hyunjin says, swallowing thickly. “I'm sorry I made you upset. I don’t want to lose you this way, Minnie. I don’t  _ ever  _ want to lose you.”

“Hey,” Seungmin quickly reaches his hand over the distance between them to grab Hyunjin’s arm. “You’re not going to lose me,” he says with the squeeze of his hand. “I got carried away with my emotions and my judgement was clouded, and I’m sorry for shutting you out and ignoring your texts and calls. That was stupid and petty of me, I admit that. I was just...having a hard time and needed to be away for a bit…” Seungmin explains, red tinting his cheeks. “But it’s  _ not  _ you, ok? I was...frustrated with myself.”

“Why?” Hyunjin wants to know. If it’s really not because of Hyunjin, then what could it possibly be? Will Hyunjin ever find out?

“Uh. Story for another time…?” Seungmin tries. “Sorry, I just–. I don’t know how to tell you this without embarrassing myself more than I already have. But I can promise you this; I’ll tell you someday.”

There’s still a lot of things Hyunjin wants to ask, to understand, but he’ll respect Seungmin’s request. If Seungmin says he’ll tell Hyunjin another time, then he’ll tell Hyunjin some other time. Despite the curiosity and some leftover guilt, Hyunjin thinks he’s patient enough to give what Seungmin needs. “Ok,” Hyunjin nods his head. Seungmin looks visibly relieved hearing Hyunjin’s words, seemingly glad that he doesn’t have to explain anything further to Hyunjin yet. “Are we...are we good now?” Hyunjin asks. “Are we ok? Can we go back to how we were before all of  _ this  _ happened…?”

Seungmin stares at Hyunjin with an unreadable gaze, but then Seungmin blinks his eyes and offers a smile at Hyunjin as he nods his head. “Yeah, we’re ok. We’ll be ok.”

And that’s enough for Hyunjin. He smiles back at Seungmin. At least he’s going to have Seungmin back. Hyunjin wants to ask Seungmin about Felix; if they’re together now and if Seungmin is happy with him, but the selfish part of him wants Seungmin to himself, even only for this moment so Hyunjin tucks the questions away for another day. “Can I move closer?” he asks instead. Seungmin’s smile stretches into a grin.

“Sure.”

So Hyunjin moves closer, invading Seungmin’s personal space and curling himself next to the younger guy, his head leaning on Seungmin’s shoulder. It’s nice to be close to Seungmin again, to have the permission to be close to his presence, touching him and feeling his existence. Hyunjin lets out a contented sigh. “I’ve missed this,” he says.  _ I’ve missed you,  _ is what he meant.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin apologizes again. Hyunjin feels the younger guy leaning his head on Hyunjin’s. “I’ve missed  _ you,”  _ Seungmin whispers, like he doesn’t mean for Hyunjin to hear but at the same time like it’s only meant  _ for  _ Hyunjin to hear. Something akin to happiness blooms in Hyunjin’s chest, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. In this moment they shared, Hyunjin can pretend they’re  _ together  _ together, can pretend Seungmin can like him back even though the actual chances are low.

Right now, it’s just the two of them together, just the two of them that matter and Hyunjin treasures the moment. When Hyunjin grabs Seungmin’s hands in his and Seungmin entwines their fingers together, Hyunjin is home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you followed me on my (now deactivated) twitter, you probably saw my tweet about leaving this account and not continuing any of my wips anymore but...i figured i wanted to try finishing this fic at least (and maybe like & subscribe), so here you go. i honestly don't know what this is and i'm sorry if it doesn't meet with any of your expectation but i. am. trying. my best ajsdhjaksdh
> 
> seungjin will resolve some of the remaining misunderstanding in the next chapter and figuring things out together, so there will be more fluffy scenes for the last chapter...i just don't know when i'll be able to finish it ksjhdkjasd i'm sorry. but i hope this chapter is decent enough for you.
> 
> have a lovely weekend and enjoy the online concert tomorrow!


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